Gurlhood

By Zenith Kwinana

I remember everything. From how we were on our first date to the butterflies that burst into the sky when we kissed at the mountaintop. It was exhilarating what we had, all two months of it. Short but intense. Surprisingly, the most haunting thing I remember is not the fact that my love interest of the season did not own any lotion, but that I was so enthralled by him, I lost myself completely.

I hadn’t noticed back then just how sensitive I was after that situation. It is only in retrospect that I realise I tried so hard to mould myself into something else, but in the end, it bent me out of shape. I was deflated. It’s not anyone’s fault. Where there is love, there will be at least one broken heart. I don’t regret how I shared and opened myself up in that relationship, though. It was beautiful. However, I would do things differently in a new relationship going forward.

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First of all, I would take things a lot slower. Things between said love interest and I escalated pretty quickly, which was exciting at the time. Nowadays, I prefer a slower-burning romance. It’s also a matter of where you are personally in your own season but in mine, I’m no longer interested in one-night stands and two-month situationships. I’m not necessarily looking for marriage either but perhaps something more… sustainable. Something real, stable and, God forbid, something that lasts longer than two months.

Taking things slowly helps you get to know a person past the infatuation stage. You have time to process and digest all their information and can help you figure out if you actually like this person. In the beginning stages of dating someone, we’re always so worried about whether they like us or not, but have you ever stopped to consider if you even like them? You’re able to gauge their intentions and decide, from the outset, whether or not that is in alignment with your own objectives. When things aren’t so rushed, you can make better-informed decisions for yourself and your heart. Or your body. Or your mind.

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I have spent the last six months alone, which is just what I needed. I intentionally took this time off dating to revise some of my past lessons in love. And because I can’t roll my eyes or laugh out loud on yet another rendezvous. From this time alone, I’ve gotten the opportunity to heal a little bit more. I now know what I want and do not want from a relationship. More importantly, I know what I deserve. I am steadfast in my standards and no longer care about walking away from anyone who cannot meet them. Far too many men have gotten away with giving the bare minimum. I feel sorry for the guys that will encounter me now because there is just a tonne of bullshit I will not tolerate anymore.

That ties in with boundaries. I had such weak boundaries before; letting things slide and staying in situations that made me feel weird or uncomfortable. I was malleable. My flatmate from last year listened with an empathetic ear to many a story of my failed romantic endeavours and what she said to me once has stuck with me since: “You have to have a voice, bestie — in relationships, in sex. You just need to have a voice.” She was so right. Not only that but never ignore your gut instincts! If something is telling you that this person you’re seeing is a little bit off, you should take the time to question why. Voice your concerns and if nothing changes, then don’t walk away. Run.

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Something else I’ve learned is that you need to be smart. Not to play mind games or manipulative tricks (personally, I have no interest in that). Just smart in that you’re not so naive and overly trusting of people’s intentions. There are many people out there who do not have your best interests at heart. So you need to have the discernment to know when to raise your standards. To take off those rose-tinted glasses and recognise red flags when they appear. Ultimately, to follow your heart without losing your head.

As I said before, heartbreak is an inevitable part of love, so don’t close yourself off from finding something exquisite or living a new experience because you’re afraid to get hurt. My word of advice? Before getting into a relationship, get to know yourself first. Relationships fail for several reasons but sometimes the two of you are just not compatible. When you know yourself well, you won’t compromise the core of who you are to make something work. You can move on, peacefully, knowing that you were always yourself, just with the wrong person.

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Spend some time alone and really figure out what you like. From your love languages and attachment styles to what makes you feel empowered in bed. What are your rules? These things matter. I read a book, What a Time to Be Alone by Chidera Eggerue which really helped me in this regard. Recently, Omar Apollo’s Tiny Desk Concert has been helping with the tears. And remember, everything is a learning curve. I have grown so much into myself in the past year, which I’m happy about. As far as the love interest is concerned, I do hope he’s discovered that body butter exists.

Love,

Zenith

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Zenith is a Stellenbosch University student, model and founder of Gurlhood. She is a hopeless romantic, loves solo travelling and currently battles a tea addiction.