By Zenith Kwinana
Why is it that every time I feel compelled to sit down at my computer to write something, it is because of something an atrocious man has just done to me? Perhaps it is so unthinkable that the only way I can process the psychological warfare is by sitting down with myself, holding a mirror up to the situation, and using my words to hold myself in the hurt. Because no matter how measured or intuitive I was about matters, finally opening myself up to someone new again, only for them to let me down just like all the others, is like stepping on a landmine. It blew up in my face, and all I wanted to do was break down. The self-respect and self-love that I have been cultivating for years, though, reminded me quickly that any man with low self-esteem and unresolved issues will never be worth my tears. But then, suddenly, the trees outside began to stir and the clouds darkened because Nature is a mother, and she knows when one of her daughters is hurting. She angered, howled and opened up the skies to let me know that crying is also part of the process. That it does not mean I am breaking or that I am weak, but that actually, I am healing. It rains quite often in Pretoria during the spring, and that in itself is a reminder that for new things to blossom, some things need to end.
Well, before we ruminate on endings, let’s go back to the beginning to where all of this started. I had recently returned home from my year-long travels and after spending the winter period hibernating, I was finally ready to put myself back out into the wilderness of online dating. We matched on Hinge and met in person shortly thereafter during my lunch hour. The very next day, he invited me to meet some of his friends for after-work drinks, and by that weekend, he had invited me on a romantic getaway to a secluded farm. Things were moving extremely fast, but I remained open to embracing the moment and giving new experiences a fair chance. Soon, however, there was a bombardment of texts and calls, packed lunches with handwritten notes that he would send to my work, supposedly lavish gifts, invitations to spend several nights at his place, and even to leave some of my clothes and belongings there. Anytime I wanted to slow the progression down, I was met with reluctance, if not resistance. It was crystal clear: This person was trying to accelerate our relationship, faking a closeness between us, so that he could control the narrative. I recognised the idealisation stage of love-bombing long before he inevitably devalued and discarded me.
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I berate myself in hindsight because, although he exhibited textbook signs of a master manipulator, I still gave him the benefit of the doubt. I believed the false promises he made about our future, such as, “Maybe for our first anniversary, I’ll take us to Egypt,” or “If we’re still together in April, we’ll attend this wedding in Lebanon together.” Why lie? Why say things that no one obliged you to say? Unfortunately for me, I bought the lies that he sold to me and didn’t keep the receipt. I berate myself because I turned many a blind eye to some of the glaringly worrying things he would say. At one point, he made a joke when giving me a gift: What if I’m just love-bombing you so that you fall for me and then it’s easy for me to manipulate you? He said that, blatantly and unsolicited, yet I continued to make excuses for him. It brings a pit to my stomach to realise that he knew exactly what he was doing the entire time. This brings me to a crucial point: when a man tells you something, believe him. Do not try to convince him otherwise. Do not try to prove him right or wrong. Just take the information you receive and use it to protect yourself going forward, because men are always liars… except for when they’re telling you the truth.
“I recognised the idealisation stage of love-bombing long before he inevitably devalued and discarded me.“
And that’s the thing, this person went out of their way to shower me with fake love and affection just to get one thing out of it. While I was busy cultivating true connection and envisioning a future with him, he never wanted a relationship to begin with. He wanted a payoff. Granted, not all attention or romantic gestures are sure signs of love-bombing. However, when the person becomes upset that you’re spending time with family or friends and tries to isolate you from them, or pries into your private life before trust is established by way of secretly watching your Instagram stories, or constantly pushes for physical intimacy way before you are ready, those are the indications of an emotionally abusive person and not of someone who is genuinely enthusiastic about you. When our relationship ultimately disintegrated, he revealed his true intentions when he said that he had spent all this money and incurred all these expenses and was upset that I wouldn’t sleep with him… as if I asked him to do any of those things. He didn’t want to be the man in the relationship, he said verbatim, if it meant he had to “work for it.” I was on my cycle, but clearly he was on his period too. Questioning my feminism because I wasn’t ready to sleep with him indicated to me that I have no value as a woman if I don’t have my clothes off.
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There is nothing wrong with desiring sex; most people today use dating apps for hook-ups and one-night stands. It is no different from meeting someone at a bar or a club and going home with them. That modus operandi is okay if you are not looking for a long-term partnership but only want short-term fun. The important part is that your intentions should be truthful, explicitly stated and most importantly, mutual. What is totally not okay is to deceive someone into thinking you actually care for them, that you respect their values and want a relationship with them, if it is all in the name of getting one thing out of it. All the gifts he bought, the letters he wrote, the trips he planned, the things he reluctantly agreed to; it was all to get me into bed eventually. And when he realised that he could no longer keep up the act of trying to impress me, that he could not meet my standards, or that it was too much effort with too little a payout to pretend to like me, he dumped me. I have no regrets. I will never apologise for being a high-value, high-effort woman because it is in having those standards that I have been able to discern good people from the ill-intentioned, and to protect myself from the losers who are up to no good at all.
It was sad, though. It sucked. Secretly, I was hoping he would prove me wrong and turn out to be someone consistent, patient and sincere. He failed dismally, and almost like clockwork, his facade fell and revealed his true self to me — thank you, 90-Day Rule! Ladies, trust me, all the men you choose to date should start with a warning, and only when they have exhibited good behaviour can they be put on a three-month probationary period. It is during this period that you need to be the most judicious. Take the questionable things they say at face value because they will reveal how they think and what they will probably do to you down the line. I know just by the stories he told me about his past relationships that I am not the first woman he has preyed on, and I don’t believe I will be the last. This is the wilderness, remember? Leopards don’t change their spots. I tried to meet this person with compassion, but I now completely understand why his ex-wife and other women have met him with disdain. He is an insecure 41-year-old man, a complete Loser Back Home (who’s balding and planning to retire in Thailand just to prove it!) who cannot attract women his own age. In my defence, I thought dating older men would come with more emotional maturity and financial stability, but I am yet to have this theory proven.
“I will never apologise for being a high-value, high-effort woman because it is in having those standards that I have been able to discern good people from the ill-intentioned…”
Look, writing this is not about getting caught up in the buzzwords and not even about pointing fingers. It is not lost upon me: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I know it is easy to lambast another person without taking accountability for the part you played. My own demise was not walking away earlier when I began noticing the signs, but I know he has other critiques about me that I would accept with grace. In the two-and-a-half months that we spent getting to know each other, I was not without imperfection, but I was measured and balanced. I spent a lot of time with him doing the stuff he wanted to do, being very accepting of his quirky personality and his friends (who were great!), learning to speak his love language, emphasising communication, and doing cute little stuff to show him I appreciated him. But if he was not receptive to the full spectrum of my love because his only motive was to use and dispose of me, then that is not my fault. In the end, the wretched ways in which men decide to treat you have nothing to do with you or your inherent worth as a person. I have worked on myself, so remaining gracious, kind and honest despite encountering men who have tried to bring me down is my superpower. It’s my win, and I encourage other women to continue being confident, joyful and independent in their own lives too.
I just hope for myself moving forward that I can be more trusting of myself. Every time I go against my inner knowing and better judgment, my self-worth gets chipped at, and it is extremely costly to repair. Therefore, the only way I can walk away with my dignity intact is if I start taking my own advice more seriously. Like I said in the beginning, I am grateful even for the things that needed to end. I am convinced that a Greater Good is working in my favour to safeguard me and redirect my time and attention to the things I need to focus on. This year is coming to a close, and I need to be clear and intentional about my goals for the upcoming year. Once again, I am reminded that guys come and go, but I do have myself, my faith, my future, and an incredible tribe of women. From my shrewd older sister who accurately predicted, “You’re spending all your time with this guy; he could dump you at any time”, to my precocious 15-year-old niece who never had a good feeling about him, to my 85-year-old grandmother, who told me, “Boys are for fun, my baby. They’re not meant to be taken seriously.” A special mention to Vuki for the three-hour phone call as all of this unfolded, and to Ollie for her streaming log-ins so I could binge Sex and the City with my emotional support hot water bottle in one hand and chocolate ice-cream in the other.
Love always,
Zenith x
Zenith Kwinana is a Stellenbosch University graduate, writer, model, and the founder of Gurlhood. She loves the beach, tea, yoga and solo travelling the world.
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