By Chulumanco Nopote
Before we begin, I want to outline some “niche” queer vocabulary for the outsiders and to make sure we are all on the same page. Some of these terms have historically & exclusively applied to cis queer men who have sex with cis queer men. However in this piece I intend to use them inclusive of all queer people who engage sexually with cis men, trans men, masc & amab people.
Top - the dominant person who inserts during intercourse.
Bottom - the submissive person who is inserted into (lmao) during intercourse.
Vers - open to either being a top or a bottom.
Side - all sexual intercourse EXCLUDING anal penetration
AMAB - a person who was "assigned male at birth" but identifies with a more feminine identity
Cis - a person whose gender matches their sex assigned at birth
Trans: a person whose gender does not match sex assigned at birth.
DL - "down low men"
Now that we’ve established some very important vocabulary, let’s get to why I’m really here. Douching. By definition, douching is the act of shooting a jet of warm water into the rectum to clean it out in preparation for receptive anal sex. These are my anecdotal conclusions and outcomes based on my own experiences and nobody else’s. I have never and will never purport to be a monolithic & scientifically accurate voice for the queer community & queer experiences. I’m too bad a gay to be a voice for the gays.
I’ve been in my quintessential “rite of passage” hyper-sexual, serial dating era of my queer identity recently, and in particular, I’ve resorted to using Grindr to make this possible. After many failed attempts at hooking up, a certain dangerous experience (story for another day) and a few awkwardly successful meet-ups, I am highly considering becoming a side. Or just fully denouncing my queerness, marrying a woman & spending the rest of my days fantasizing about my gay yesteryears while secretly watching Rhyheim Shabazz on the low. Just kidding, never that.
But having sex shouldn’t be so hard. Why is having sex, at least as a bottom, so high maintenance? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating for slip and sliding in the mud or anything, but this false heteronormative idea of cleanliness that can only be achieved by using an industrial power hose inside yourself and not eating to ensure you don’t pass faeces while using drugs… all for these DL tops who ejaculate within 3 minutes and don’t even use lotion or wash between their own ass cracks is too much for me.
Why are bottoms (myself included) willing to actively put themselves in literal danger for tops? Possible risks include inflammation, fissures, haemorrhoids, infection, and just the general discomfort and amount of time it takes to douche. The last time I tried to have sex, which was almost two years ago, it didn’t feel good because I was so in my head about the possibility of something going wrong. I was riddled with anxiety about losing my virginity, about the very real medical risks of having sex in general, and the fact that my partner is someone I met a mere 20 minutes ago.
Instead of having this ethereal experience, you spend your supposed 3-minutes-in-heaven beside yourself with fear of excreting faeces or passing gas (both very normal human bodily functions that you shouldn’t be shamed for, btw). So the only way to avoid that is by purchasing all these devices marketed to conveniently assist in making douching easier, you intentionally starve yourself for hours and others even resort to taking laxatives in preparation.
This is not something I want to be, or should be, worried about. Your partner should want to have sex with you and should be willing to undertake a certain level of risk with regard to anything butt-related. And if they aren’t, you probably shouldn’t let them near you. Now I will say, I’ve heard of some people who say that no tops have ever pressured them into douching and they purposely choose to douche as they feel uncomfortable having sex after having done so. I will even concede that most of the issues I described can be directly attributed to a lack of safe-sex education that is inclusive of necessary douching information. There is also so much stigma related to sex in general, never mind butt sex.
Can we get back to the spontaneity of sex? Whatever happened to that? Maybe this is a naive perspective on it but all this douching makes an action that is supposed to be instinctual and impromptu seem so cold and automated. I guess what I am challenging besides the maintenance of anal sex, is how it seems as though as queer people we are indoctrinated into a very heteronormative idea of gay sex that doesn’t include the possibility of other ways to have fulfilling and mutually beneficial sex. Sex that decenters the enjoyment of cis gay DL men, who are might I add, the literal bane of the queer community’s existence.
Personally, I haven’t divested from douching yet and it seems I will continue to suffer hunger cramps and shitty water. I guess it’s true what people say: Among most of the gays, vers people, sides & lesbians are having the most fun.
-Chulumanco.
Chulumanco Nopote is a fierce pop culture critic. They are a newly corporate non-binary person with a flair for fashion from the streets to the boardroom. Besides a crippling sweets addiction & wicked sense of humour, they strive to be a little better than they were yesterday.
Gurlhood 
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