Gurlhood

By Danielle Birch

Round One: An Innocent Attempt. 

The first time I swiped on Tinder was when I was emerging from the cocoon of an all-girls high school, awkwardly navigating interactions with the opposite sex. Needless to say, that first attempt was short-lived. Exploring connections with people in my immediate circle and meeting people organically was more appealing to me than wandering through the vast ocean of internet strangers.

Round Two: A Pandemic Escape. 

Two years later, I gave Tinder another shot. This time, it was not about meeting new people or finding love but rather overcoming the pandemic-induced boredom. Like many of us, lockdown had left me craving human connection, and Tinder seemed like a window to the outside world. As months passed, I realised that I would probably not meet anyone in person. Thus, my Tinder pursuits fizzled out once again.

Round Three: Problems with Seeking Validation. 

As I grappled with the isolation brought about by the pandemic, my relationship with food turned into an unhealthy, perilous journey. After losing a significant amount of weight, I naively believed that the external validation of my physical appearance would bring me happiness. That’s when I knew I needed to delete Tinder again. Because no amount of weight loss can fill the void if you are relying on others to validate your beauty. 

I realised that relying on compliments or matches on Tinder would never be enough to make me happy. By seeking constant reassurance, I was only attracting those who craved the same. Please know that there is a vibrant life awaiting you beyond the confines of self-doubt.

This is a good time to address the infamous “ghosting” phenomenon — a rite of passage for many of us. Each instance of being ghosted or unmatched left me puzzled and disheartened, questioning my worth and possible explanations for the lack of connection. Every rejection became a personal blow and it never occurred to me that someone’s lack of interest might be due to incompatible personalities, differing values or emotional unavailability.

Perhaps you may have never experienced ghosting, but for those who have, remember that one’s actions do not always align with one’s intentions. Hurt individuals, still in the process of healing, often cause the most damage. I had failed to face the reality that communicating my disinterest in furthering a connection with someone was far better than leaving them in the dark. I convinced myself that by not sharing my feelings, I was sparing them the pain of my rejection. Little did I realise that I was denying both of us an opportunity for growth and closure.

Round Four: Wanting a Good Guy. 

During my fourth Tinder encounter, I found myself in a great mindset with a healthier body image, now seeking a genuine connection. I went on a date, promising myself that if it went poorly, I would bid farewell to the app forever. If went well, on the other hand, I would still delete it to see where the relationship could lead. Long story short, the date was a success! For a considerable time thereafter, we called and chatted incessantly. I genuinely liked and cared for him, and I believe the feeling was mutual. We shared playlists and talked about both the exciting and mundane moments of our days. 

He brought immense happiness into my life, making me laugh and feel cherished. However, as the relationship blossomed, I discovered a new fear within me. I was afraid to allow myself to fall in love so I started pulling away. I let down someone I genuinely enjoyed being with because, deep down, I believed I did not deserve love. At that stage of my life, if you had asked me to list all the people I loved, it would have taken ages before I added my own name to that list. 

The Fifth and Final Round: The Unanswered Question.

The moment that led to my ultimate departure from Tinder came when I asked my friend to help me write my profile biography. Even the most simple question, “What do you do for fun?” left me stumped. As I struggled to name five things I genuinely enjoyed doing, it dawned on me, somewhere along the way, that I had forgotten to explore the wonders life had to offer. Life holds countless treasures waiting to be explored. With my fifth and final Tinder departure, I bid goodbye to a digital world that clouded my view of self-discovery.

Life beckons and I am finally ready to embrace it without the constant distraction of swipes and matches. So, dear reader, if you find yourself on a similar path, remember to embrace life, invest in self-love, and let love find you when the time is right. Love will come, but it will be a bonus, not a prerequisite for happiness.For far too long, I associated singleness with loneliness, failing to recognise that the most vital commitment we must make is to ourselves. After all, no one else will journey with us as long or understand us as deeply as we do ourselves.

Before we part ways, let me leave you, if I may, with something to ponder. This is in no way to bash dating apps, but if dating sites were truly designed to find “the one,” how would they sustain their profits? Also, let us compare the odds of finding a connection online with hitting the jackpot on a slot machine. Yes, people win sometimes, but how many times do they play without winning? This is to say, you should always be the prize instead of looking for that in someone else. 

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Danielle Birch is a vibrant university student pursuing a degree in psychology with a passion for writing. When she is not delving into the complexities of the human mind, you can find her exploring art galleries, seeking out exciting new bands or marvelling at the sunset.