Do You See Yourself?

By Lesedi Mnisi

Do you see yourself? This is a question I have been grappling with for some time now. I look in the mirror every single day. I take selfies every other day. I have photos of myself around my room and home, but do I see myself? What does it even mean to see myself?

My mom recently renovated my room and that meant I had to sort through some of my old stuff and decide what to keep and what to throw away. During this process, I found my old diary that I, inconsistently, wrote in when I was younger. I opened a random page and the first thing I read was “I can feel myself withdrawing from this world… I could make myself skinnier, prettier, smarter, better and still not care.”

The rest of the entry spoke about how lonely I felt and how I felt as though all I had was me and I was not enough. Damn, that is incredibly sad and writing this is unbelievably difficult.

I remember that girl. Her pain, her anguish, her loneliness. I see it in my eyes all the time. Looking back now, I feel so much sadness for that girl. That girl who felt like she had no one she could lean on, no one that she could trust. I also feel so much confusion. I was well-liked, teachers said I was well-behaved and hard-working, people thought I was funny and I had friends. I was rarely in any disagreements, so why did I feel so lonely? Why do I still feel so lonely?

We grow up in a world that teaches us that we must earn love and earn respect from others and ourselves. We hold ourselves to impossible standards, or at least I do. We do not see ourselves. We do not see what we are, we only see what we are not.

I made myself skinnier, prettier, smarter and “better” (whatever that meant) and I still did not care. I still did not see me. I could still only see what was missing from me.

We are such complex and interesting creatures. There is so much to us that we are afraid to see and acknowledge. It is easier to put ourselves in boxes. Package ourselves in ways that make us easily digestible. It is why some parents of colour give their children names that are more English or easy to pronounce, why some of us grow up speaking English as our first language.

There is something so beautiful about seeing someone beyond their looks and actions. To see their heart and soul. It allows you to connect with them on such a deep and intimate level. It creates a cosmic space between two people, free of judgment and expectations and filled with compassion, understanding and love. It makes you feel close to them on an inexplicable level.

I have experienced that kind of connection with someone. She makes me feel beautiful, happy, peaceful and free. What we share makes me feel safe, loved and cared for. I see her in a way that I do not think I could ever see anyone, ever. She is not me, unfortunately, but she makes me want to see myself on that level. To see me the way she does.

I want that level of intimacy and closeness with myself. I want my mind, heart, body and soul to be cosmic spaces of freedom, compassion, understanding and love that are free of judgment and expectations. I want to see myself.

Seeing myself means forgiving myself, being kind to myself, accepting myself, loving myself, unconditionally and continuing to be myself, even on days when I feel like an imposter in my own skin. It is about being able to see past what the mirror can show me. Being able to look in the mirror and recognise my own pain, anguish and loneliness and not just the pain, anguish and loneliness of a 14 year-old me.

It will take some time, because I am still growing and still learning, but slowly and surely, I am creating that space for myself. I am remembering that the goal is not to be enough or worthy, the goal is to be me; irrespective of who I am on a given day. The idea is not to package myself in a specific way to be more palatable but to show up as every aspect of myself as is because I am not a product and even if I were, no one could afford me. Nothing is worth abandoning parts of myself.

I hope that by creating this cosmic space for myself within myself, I can create an even bigger space for those around me. That I can be a place of warmth and safety for those who come in contact with me. That I can be so unashamedly myself that everyone around me has no choice but to show up as themselves as well.

I am starting to see myself.

The question is, do you see yourself?

Lesedi Mnisi is a law student, a writer, dancer and radio presenter. She is always starting a new project every week and firmly believes that no matter what life throws at you, you should ‘just keep vibing.’

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